Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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