awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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