The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
