there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
