Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
NoShamevember. You game?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
