My sheets look like a crime scene.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
