i just snorted my name. best moment ever
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
