mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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