Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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