how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
