I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
