I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize