roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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