pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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