The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
