so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
