i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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