you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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