This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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