Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
