I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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