a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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