what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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