I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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