I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
