then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize