and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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