I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
