Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize