i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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