im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
