He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Randomize
