You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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