the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
