Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
