drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
