I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
