I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Someone came in the potted fern
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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