This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
