3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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