i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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