Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
