that's an acceptable place to lick
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
