I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
