Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
