TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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