Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
