Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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