Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
