I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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