i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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