Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
