just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize