Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
