I need to stop coming to work sober
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
