not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
