Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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